Me and Homer Simpson
It has been a while since my last entry. Chalk that up to another visitor from England and then to the arrival of our son Chris from London. However, I have to admit that I am also noticing a slow and gentle ebbing of my energy levels, so that not only physical effort but also mental work is becoming more difficult.
I am managing to get up the stairs in our home about twice a day and am doing three or four circuits of the garden; otherwise I'm spending most of my time in a prone position. My arms and legs are so weak that sometimes it feels like there aren't any bones in them. Linda spends a lot of time at the mall shopping for massive shirts and shorts; I have graduated from 3XL to 5XL in just a few weeks as the belly continues to expand. I'm taking Homer Simpson as my role model here.
No one really knows where this is all going. I could have weeks or months ahead of me. Death could come through organ failure or just the relentless sapping of energy by the cancer - or perhaps something unexpected. At the moment I'm not thinking about it very much; still managing to live in the present.
This all sounds a bit grim but my morale is actually pretty good and there are still plenty of rich times - and laughs - to be had. Great consolation comes from the lovely people who surround me; and I am still capable of thoroughly enjoying a good meal. I suffer from discomfort but so far have had very few problems with pain or nausea, and that is a huge advantage and something to be grateful for.
In these circumstances the laptop is a great gift, particularly when it produces a crop of messages by email or Facebook. Just as when Becky was ill, the cyber-community has become an indispensable part of my life. I've always been very dubious about the increasing intrusion of smartphones and other screens into our lives but in this case access to the net has done a brilliant job of keeping me in touch with the outside world. If you are wondering how best to reach out and support me now that visits are not really possible, I can tell you that receiving emails brings me an enormous amount of pleasure, even if I haven't always got the time and energy to reply. Your messages are always deeply appreciated.
I was talking to Chris today about the difference between this situation and Becky’s illness and death. Back then I ran through a whole gauntlet of emotions: horror; terror; agonising sorrow; heavy dread. I don't know whether it is strange or not but at the moment I feel none of those. Perhaps they will come: perhaps not. I certainly won't go seeking them...
Thank you for continuing to follow these meanderings. I can't guarantee I'll be particularly regular in posting entries from now on but I do want to keep doing it for as long as possible, if only to keep a record of what is happening.
That's all, folks.
